I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
