i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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