Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
All the doctor said was why
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
