Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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