I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
