every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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