I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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