I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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