It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize