I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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