He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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