She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
