his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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