I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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