life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
