so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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