It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The maid of honor just puked.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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