I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
