I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know her cup size but not her name....
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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