I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
