If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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