A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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