I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
