Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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