You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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