after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
