I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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