There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
