I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
