I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
