I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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