whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He kissed a someone with a penis
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Randomize
