if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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