What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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