I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
