i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
