We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
