If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
