We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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