Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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