I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
