Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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