i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels