so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.