u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
