She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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