Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
