Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize