Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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