She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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