I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
