So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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