I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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