3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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