We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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