I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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