And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wear drunk well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
