Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
