my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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